A few reasons why I am not keen on Spectre (contains spoilers)

M: We've got 20 minutes to save the world.
Bond girl: James, could I have a quick word?
Bond: Of course.
Bond girl: Look, I love you, but it's really not working out, so I'm off.
Bond: Oh, okay. What are you going to do?
Bond girl: I'm just going to wander off and walk the streets of London late at night.
Bond: With all the baddies around?
Bond girl: Yeah, pretty sure that will be fine.
Bond: Yeah, I think so too.

Sam Mendes: Where did you get the idea for this stunt?
Stunt Co-ordinator: Ninja Warrior UK.
Sam Mendes: Cool.

Bond: How did you escape from the baddies?
Q: I hid in the cleaners' cupboard.
Bond: Yeah, I must try that sometime.

M: We've got 10 minutes before the system goes live.
Q: Although we could always take it down after that.
M: We could, yeah.

Psychiatrist: So you're not the main villain.
Moriarty: No.
Psychiatrist: So who is?
Moriarty: Some European guy who wears shoes without socks.
Psychiatrist: How does that make you feel?
Moriarty: How do you think that makes me feel?

Moriarty: Don't worry, we'll soon get the South Africans to vote for us. Then we'll have the nine best intelligence agencies in the world working together.
M: South Africa?
Moriarty: Yeah, oh, good point.

Sam Mendes: Where did you get the idea for this stunt?
Stunt Co-ordinator: Jaws.
Sam Mendes: Cool.

Builder: So we've finished your giant secret server warehouse in the desert.
Blofeld: That's great.
Builder: And we've surrounded it with an oil and gas refinery.
Blofeld: Because...
Builder: It's the classic combination. You know, cut keys, mend shoes; server warehouse, oil and gas refinery.

Bond: Go and find out what you know about this ring.
Q: Where?
Bond: Oh, I don't know, how about on a ski lift, with your laptop. Pretty sure that will be secure.

Q: I'm injecting you with secret smart blood that'll track you anywhere.
Bond: Wait a minute. Consent!

Subject: Baddie I forgot to tell you about.

Hi James

Just FYI, there's a super secret baddie that I forgot to tell you to kill. Lol, so forgetful. Anyway

Love you

Dead M

Bond girl: Why do you keep looking at those old photographs?
Bond: Because they're all so badly photoshopped. It must mean something.

Precision tortoise

The latest in our occasional series on odd measurements. Thursday's Metro featured an advertising wraparound, and the story of a tortoise called Bertie who completed a 5.48m race in 19.59 seconds. It's not the precision of the time that is odd, but the precision in the length of the race. If you're running a 5.48m race, why not round it up to 5.5m? The answer, of course is it was an 18ft long course, as an original story from the time of the record-breaking event makes clear. The source of this daft conversion is probably this press release from Guinness World Records, which includes the 5.48m measurement, although not the 18ft one, which is even more odd because it includes his speed in ft/s.

We're hearing...

I don't choose to listen to Heat Radio, but it is on in the gym and... well, you don't want to hear my excuses.

At 8 o'clock every morning I listen to their news bulletin. (There is no travel bulletin. For this, you have to go to their website, which strikes me as an odd option when you're driving.) The first story of the news bulletin always starts with "We're hearing...", which is an odd construction, I think. Is it intended to give a feeling of immediacy, a folksier version of "this just in"? If so, it's clearly fake, since stories that have been around since the previous night also get the "We're hearing..." treatment. Perhaps it is just to give a friendly, confidential feel, which Heat listeners might be interested in. I don't know, but it does make me smile that, presumably, somebody has to type "We're hearing..." at the beginning of every lead story for the bulletin.

St Augustine

Once for all, then, a short precept is given you: Love, and do what you will: whether you hold your peace, through love hold your peace; whether you cry out, through love cry out; whether you correct, through love correct; whether you spare, through love do you spare: let the root of love be within, of this root can nothing spring but what is good.

H. Browne. “Translation of Augustine’s Homily 7 on the First Epistle of John” In Philip Schaff, Ed., From Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers, First Series, Vol. 7. (1888)