Left-hand glove theory

On last week's The Danny Baker Show a man rang in with a story about going for a walk and finding a succession of lost gloves, all of them left-handed. This morning on my walk into work I saw three gloves, two left-handed and one unidentified (someone had thought it was amusing to throw it into a tree, so I couldn't see clearly). I have a theory about this.

As the temperature has got much warmer in recent weeks, people have been lulled into a false sense of chilliness. They have left the house with two gloves on but, as they have started walking they have warmed up, and eventually they have become too hot. So they decide to remove their gloves. Most people are right handed and I think that means you would remove your left glove first. No problem there, it is held firmly in your right hand. Then you have to switch that glove to your left hand while you take off your right glove. Now your left hand is your weaker hand, and the task of holding one glove while taking off another might prove difficult. You are more likely to hold the glove you are taking off securely, as that is the one you are paying attention to. The left glove, I think, falls to the ground in a couple of ways:

• during the right glove removal process, or, and I think more likely
• as you are stuffing both gloves into a pocket, the more loosely held glove (the left one) tumbles to the ground and is lost.

Either that or there's a one-armed fugitive out there, unnecessarily buying hundreds of pairs of gloves, and discarding the left one each time.

#weirddreams Alan Titchmarsh and his double

Perhaps Chelsea Flower Show wasn't the best of places to look for somewhere to play five-a-side, but suddenly through the crowd came Alan Titchmarsh, his double, and his bodyguards. It was not unlike this classic picture of Frank Sinatra, his double and bodyguards, taken by Terry O'Neill. However, Alan and his double pushed their way through and passed us without a word. I wondered later why Alan Titchmarsh would have a double, but it seems likely that he would be used on the more dangerous gardening shots - those involving forks and power tools, perhaps. It would be foolish to risk the typing fingers of Mr Titchmarsh, particularly if his tetanus injections aren't up-to-date.

#weirddreams Buying a piano

Went to a house to look at a piano we might possibly buy. The woman was hassled, with three or four children running around. We couldn't see a piano anywhere. "Oh it's there, in those bookshelves," she said. In an alcove in the living room were some red velvet bookshelves. "You just need to spin it round," she told us, and then proceeded to turn a handle on the side. The bookshelves span round and round, faster and faster, until they resembled a red velvet skirt with a tightly drawn waist. The spinning slowed, and now the bookshelves had turned into a cupboard. Opening the doors revealed a typewriter on a pull-out shelf (=a keyboard, nice joke subconscious) and an old-fashioned, although small, organ - a bit like those old-fashioned ones on which uncles played show tunes. We apologised that the size of the keyboard on the organ was too small, and we were looking for something larger. Already on the phone to a friend about something else, she shrugged, directed us to the door, and we left.

#weirddreams Running with Mark Lawrenson

I went for a run with Mark Lawrenson, the football pundit. He told me that he has his hair cut every day, but it grows incredibly quickly, so he can never get it cut short enough. To my mind this explains a lot. We started running at the top of a steep hill, and I made the mistake of running too quickly. I lost my balance, tumbled over several times and landed painfully on my face. However, by this time I was some distance ahead of Mark, who had now been joined by another pundit, Robbie Savage. I was able to escape embarrassment by continuing the run on my own.

Set the record straight, Nigel Adams

Normally that headline would be followed by a fervent plea to right some perceived wrong, but, as with Nigel Adams, my headlines can often be deceptive.

I don't know much about Nigel Adams MP, but I'm sure he's a fine, upstanding chap, like the rest of our public servants. He's the MP for Selby and Ainsty, and has a nice friendly picture on his website. He's not wearing a tie, so he's no stick-in-the-mud. However, a recent post on his website is simply not good enough. (Somehow it's very difficult to write about MPs without using an Angry From Tunbridge Wells voice, but I'll keep trying.)

Record small businesses set up in Selby, runs a headline on Nigel's website, which doesn't make sense. Taken literally, he's calling for covert bugging of small businesses, but I'm pretty sure that's not what he intends it to mean. We could assume that it's shorthand for "(A) record (number of) small business (have been) set up in Selby". So let's read on, and see if that helps. 

Data from 2011 has shown that Selby recorded the second biggest increase of small business set-ups in Yorkshire with an 11.2 per cent increase in new businesses in 2011 than 2010.

So, not really. This isn't claiming a record number of anything, although Selby has managed the second-best increase in the number of small business set-ups in Yorkshire. Heady days. Well, there may be some more facts coming up.

York was third with 9.9 per cent, or 1,661 new businesses being created in 2011, from 2010’s 1,511.

OK, so that's nice to know, but still no claims of a record for anything. Any more facts in the rest of the story? Well, no, then it's mainly everyone patting themselves on the back.

Does it matter? We're all used to politicians putting the best spin they can on statistics, but this just seems a bit slapdash. Perhaps a genuine record has been set, but we've no way of knowing. I've no particular political axe to grind, but it just seems a bit sloppy. I'm sure he has more important things to do than making sure he's communicating clearly with his constituency, although I would prefer that MPs were reasonably good at communicating, otherwise how would we know what they were up to.

A few stories away, Nigel is berating The Times for making a mistake over the numbers of benefit claimants. Now I realise that one is a mistake in The Thunderer, the leading record of note, and one is just an MP's website, but... see what I did there, "just an MP's website"? Sad, isn't it, that we're happy to expect so little of our MPs?

Incidentally, in the interests of political balance, I've spotted something on a Labour website, that I might cover in a future post...

#weirddreams Boris Johnson has split his soul into six pieces

I was invited to a reunion dinner at an Oxford college, and was surprised to meet Boris Johnson. He was surrounded by a group of six clones, each of them a slightly uglier version of Boris himself. Apparently each one of them had been given a sixth of Boris's soul for safekeeping. This was, perhaps, supposed to work like the Voldemort carve-up. However, it occurred to me later that taking all of the clones everywhere with you was probably not the most sensible of strategies.

Boris told me that Dave would be coming along later. At this point I made my excuses and left...

One people person, many people people

Via APIL, another curious headline - People people thwarts mast plans. I do like the idea that, rather like Spartacus, the protestors cry "I'm a people person", "I'm a people person", etc. They're all people people!

Cheats chant, and chants cheat

The Daily Telegraph again, so soon, with a slightly puzzling headline about last night's football. It conjures up an image of supporters pretending to chant, but not really, the sneaky devils - 'cheat' chants was surely the way to have gone here!

Pothole blighted car park plans stall

Two of my favourite blogs melded together in one news story

Pothole blighted car park plans stall

Firstly, the headline - a way of writing beloved by UK headline writers that combines a number of words that might be nouns or verbs or adjectives in one riot of colour. They've been christened "crash blossoms" after a famous headline "Violinist linked to JAL crash blossoms" and are popular over on Language Log. I must admit this isn't a classic, but I do like the idea that the car park is planning to have a stall to raise awareness, and possibly funds, to help with its current pothole blighted state.

Secondly, the picture - the kind of image loved by the good people of Angry People in Local Newspapers. OK, the man on the right isn't looking particularly angry, but the man kneeling down is showing textbook fury. I can't help but think, though, that this is at least in part because he was the one who drew the short straw, volunteered to do the kneeling, and, well, frankly, his knees aren't up to it.

Now then, mardy bum

Michael Gove gave a long speech to Cambridge University - presumably not all of it - recently in which he set out, well, I'm not sure what he set out, really. Perhaps he was saying that an education today should be more like a Victorian education, or perhaps that our aspirations for education today should be more like Victorian aspirations for education. At any rate, he was encouraging children to read more challenging books, which I suppose is a good thing.

I always want to give politicians the benefit of the doubt, I really do. I want to think that they are trying their best for us, that they aren't evil or malicious, driven by an unhealthy desire for power or some dark conspiracy. But there were a couple of things that made we wonder:

And there is such as thing as the best. Richard Wagner is an artist of sublime genius and his work is incomparably more rewarding - intellectually, sensually and emotionally - than, say, the Arctic Monkeys.

It's the "incomparably" that gives me pause - "In an incomparable manner or degree; in a way that does not admit of comparison; beyond comparison" says the OED. Thanks for pissing in the Arctic Monkeys' cornflakes, Michael.

It just feels too much, particularly given that, when Michael Gove's car was stolen, the contents included not only Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov (unabridged), Wagner's Parsifal and the collected speeches of Ronald Reagan, but also Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons and a Best of The Smiths collection. Hang on, that seems to me like a mixture of the "best" and the, well, incomparably not the best.

And then again, he said

Conventional grammar - as we understand it here and as Simon Heffer lays it out masterfully in his wonderful book Strictly English - doesn’t feature in the English curriculum.

This was the bit that really struck me, because Strictly English is a book about something that doesn't exist, even in Heffer's book. The idea is that all beautifully written English follows a set of precise rules. Except that it doesn't, even in Heffer's book. The boys over at Language Log have done a much better job of skewering these ideas than I ever could. As one of their reviews said

...setting out a cavalcade of rules that standard English does not comply with and never did, and representing them as instruction in how to write today, is dishonest. Some linguistic masochists may delight in letting Heffer bully them into compliance with his whims and peeves; but I see this obtusely atavistic book as a perversion of grammatical education.

I'm not really sure what that means, but it can't be good, not a "perversion of grammatical education", surely. How would you develop a marking scheme for that?

And I wonder if this is a problem at the heart of Michael Gove's ideas about education too. I think he wants to make things better, he really does. But he couldn't bear it if, even if it made things better, the education system had in it things that, though "self-evident" to him, weren't actually true. It's the desire to give freedom while exerting control that may prove too difficult. I just hope it doesn't leave him

Pulling that silent disappointed face
The one that I can't bear

Smaller government

The Daily Telegraph, I'm pretty sure, believes in smaller government, but I don't think this is the way to go about it.

Their headline yesterday reduced the word to goverment. Presumably if Michael Gove becomes the next prime minister they can reduce this to Govement, then on from there...

Is lifehacker all there is?

I didn't understand the fuss about the recent Google Reader revamp. I had never really used, or even understood, the features that they did away with. But I am disappointed to see the decline of another feature I did enjoy - "Show me my recommendations".

This used to give lots of interesting blogposts from around the world. There were always interesting articles in there, articles that you wouldn't have found any other way. At least I wouldn't. I would never have known about the amusing Amazon reviews of the Bible, or how to crack the credit card code. But no more. Now all you get are articles from Lifehacker, and some tech stuff - nothing from the random world of the blogosphere.

Maybe its demise is the result of the other changes they made to Google Reader. I don't know. Either way it's a shame.

Jean

Jean, why do you dream of those pointless petty crimes
It's your love not mine
It's your love not mine

Jean, won't you tell me, what were the drugs for?
I didn't feel a thing
Did you feel anything?

and oh, those blissful sunny afternoons
when we forgot what time was
do you know what it was

Jean, what was the point of spending money on everything
Don't you know it's all gone
Did you leave when it was gone

and oh, want you write to me soon
tell me what you want to do
tell me what it meant to you

Jean, won't you tell me, what were the drugs for?
I didn't feel a thing
Did you feel anything?

Cinnamon, cinnamon, cinnamon

I was walking down St Giles in Oxford with Paul Sutton and I don't remember who else. We met a poet, or at least someone selling poetry, or at least someone selling a book of words. And Paul bought a book, as you do, and I don't remember the poems, or the words, except for one last line, which was "Cinnamon, cinnamon, cinnamon". And we spent a long time making fun of it. But I still think of it, and it still makes me smile, so maybe it was poetry after all.

Lotherton Hall Change of Use

Less than ten years ago, you could get a year-long parking ticket at Lotherton Hall for less than £10. Under new proposals, from this October, that price (for a family) will have risen to £45.

In some respects I am not comparing like-with-like. The previous price was for parking and entry to the grounds (but not the house). The new price will include entry to the house. Still, it's a dramatic rise. If the house that we were living in at the time had increased in value at the same rate, we could have bought our new house mortgage-free; twice, which would have been nice.

Run by Leeds City Council, it was clear Lotherton Hall was underpriced, given the facilities that are available. There is a children's play area, a bird garden, deer park, extensive gardens, and a woodland walk. In winter they organised craft events where you could make your own Christmas decorations (particularly willow wreaths) for a donation. It was excellent.

Now, however, I think its use will change, and I think that's a shame. When you visited Lotherton Hall in summer it was crammed with families escaping Leeds for a little bit of countryside. Kids played football while parents sat around barbecues. There was a tacky fair where you could play hook-a-duck and buy an ice cream.

I don't want to romanticise this too much - perhaps it's the barbecue smoke getting in my eyes - but it was a great space for ordinary people to spend an afternoon.

Oh there's nothing as gay as a day in the country, under the wonderful skies.
For a city bred feller, field full of yeller, is quite a delightful surprise.

Well, perhaps not, but it seems inevitable now that this will change. The plans intend to take Lotherton Hall upmarket, "enhance the visitor experience". But really, haven't we got enough enhanced visitor experiences already? Is that what people living in the concrete-infested depths of Leeds really want?

Lotherton Hall isn't Harewood House or Bramham Park, but these new prices are taking it into that territory. Lotherton Hall is a nice bit of green space where you can run around to your heart's content without feeling that you must get the most out of the visitor experience.

If we visit again, I expect the mix will have changed to Boden families and older people in hats and coats. Which is a shame, because they have plenty of places to go already.

John Peel - Purveyor of Rock

On Amazon last night I was excited to notice a link to John Peel's Festive Fifty

It's 6 years since legendary DJ and radio presenter John Peel passed away, and to commemorate this we have a fantastic selection of albums that formed part of his Festive Fifty selection at bargain prices. No matter what your taste in music, there's bound to be something you'll enjoy.

It sounded promising.

No matter what your taste in music, there's bound to be something you'll enjoy.

And with 487 albums to choose from, they must be right. So let's take the first, festive fifty albums from this list. I've then listed the artists in order, with extra points if they have more than one album on the list.

1. Bob Dylan (8)
2. Bruce Springsteen (6)
3. Dire Straits (4)
4. Elbow (3)
5. Nick Drake (3)
6. Nirvana (3)
7. Manic Street Preachers (3)
8. The Rolling Stones (2)
9. Tears For Fears (2)
10. Cure
11. The Who
12. Van Morrison
13. Elvis Costello
14. Thin Lizzy
15. The Clash
16. The Jam
17. The Stone Roses
18. James Taylor
19. Lynyrd Skynyrd
20. Rod Stewart
21. Del Amitri
22. U2
23. Pulp
24. Jimi Hendrix
25. PJ Harvey

Hang on a minute. Is this really representative of Peel's Festive Fifty? Dylan certainly crops up in the early years, but Bruce Springsteen and Dire Straits? If you check the most complete listing I've found, then, yes, both bands appear once, in 1978 - Bruce Springsteen with Born to Run and Dire Straits with Sultans of Swing. So does that deserve six Springsteen albums in the first 50? I well remember John Peel saying that, while he respected Andy Kershaw's appreciation of Springsteen, he didn't quite share it himself.

Of course the Festive Fifty never really reflected the music the old curmudgeon liked anyway. He would rail against the fact that it consisted of "white boys playing guitars" and lamented the lack of black music. This list takes it even further in that direction, though, pushing radio friendly unit shifters. A collation of entries in the Festive Fifty gives this chart of the most popular artists (here's the top 25):

1 Fall 2131
2 Wedding Present 1393
3 Smiths 1035
4 New Order 760
5 P.J. Harvey 494
6 Cocteau Twins 469
7 Pulp 430
8 Jesus and Mary Chain 415
9 Cinerama 400
10 Half Man Half Biscuit 370
11 Joy Division 345
12 Belle and Sebastian 315
= Delgados 315
14 Pixies 303
15 Hefner 301
16 Sonic Youth 298
17 Clash 283
18 Mogwai 277
19 Siouxsie and the Banshees 273
20 Billy Bragg 271
21 Pavement 250
22 Morrissey 237
23 Stereolab 226
24 Undertones 206
25 Echo & the Bunnymen 205

There are only three names in common in the two lists (PJ Harvey, The Clash and Pulp woo hoo!). In the entire 487 albums on the Amazon list there are none from:

1. New Order
2. Jesus and Mary Chain
3. Half Man Half Biscuit
4. Joy Division
5. Belle and Sebastian
6. Delgado
7. Pixies
8. Hefner
9. Mogwai
10. Siouxsie and the Banshees
11. Billy Bragg
12. Pavement
13. Undertones
14. Echo & the Bunnymen

The Undertones! So, a poor effort, but does it matter? I think it does. It is perhaps only a pale sign, but I think it shows how far we have come. It is not that the different has been incorporated into mainstream culture, it is simply being ignored. The music that I loved is being forgotten, and with it the footprints that I left in the sand are disappearing.

That's why she's the way she is

Ugly men secrete themselves in seats too thin
Begin the paperwork that brings more sin
Upon a thankless world that asked for nothing from them
Maybe love.

She tucks a wisp of hair away
Casts a nervous look my way
Are you another one who's made me feel this way?

I had a dream last night
A fearful examination and I hadn't done the reading as required
I know too much (about nothing)
And I'm sorry (very sorry) I've been wasting my time.

Such a beautiful thing but look again and you see
The flaws you find in everyone
(Is that a good thing?)
The flaws you find in everyone.

So she made you feel alive
And she kept you alive
And now you wonder
What on earth are you living for?

The ugly men who entertain you (now and then)
What on earth are you living for?

Grow old, look back, try not to fall forever
Remember when the grass was green (again)
You stand barefoot on the bridge and feel the water call you
Smooth and glassy, flowing forever.

Should she claim you do you go on after this?
Should she claim you we'll be forever like this.

Sam is not my name

And you want to be like I do
But you know I'm not the same
And I want to know what you do
Sam is not my name

When you wake up and turn over
Just remember why I came
I cannot talk about anything
I cannot remember my name

Her skin the colour of porcelain
Her eyes are bright with flame
I can't remember anything
I can't remember my name

I'm older now than I ever was
I'll never see these streets again
When she walks away it's my memory
Kisses goodbye again

Woodgate Valley Country Park is underwater, says Google

I found this on Google maps. Sad to see that Birmingham has been sent to the bottom of the sea. I suppose it was inevitable with the expansion of the oceans. My guess is that the farm animals are actually now all fish. Good for them.

If you want to know what it feels like to be God

No, not the feeling of being all-powerful, but the feeling of being weighed down by humanity. The Church of England has a site called Say One For Me, where you can post your prayers. You can also read the prayers of other people. Some seem a bit insignificant

Please pray for the work of the media hub as we work to use the local media in Bradford as part of the outreach of the church. Thank you.

On the day I looked there were some from a classroom of children, many of whom seem to have been told to apologise for what we're doing to the planet

Thank you for the beautiful flowers we have in spring.
Thank you for the lovely planet you made .
Sorry for crulty to children and sorry for those who have less than me.
Please keep my dog happy in heven .
And please keep my fammly safe.

But the vast majority are from people having the most awful time, with illness usually. If there is a God, it must be a depressing job. You might be tempted to have second thoughts about free will. But I suppose, since you are a God, you'll be made of slightly sterner stuff.