Cover his face, mine eyes dazzle

Difficult decisions down at the Gardeners' World magazine office this month:

"Where are we going to put the subscribers' promotional postcard for this issue?"
"How about over Alan Titchmarsh's face?"
"That's a great idea."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."

The only problem I can see is that no one would want to remove it. (Just kidding, Alan, love you really. Although maybe stop wearing jeans with a shirt tucked in - I don't think that look works for you.)

You're going home in a Crispy Ambulance

So my friend on the Gardeners' World website is back. After the last outing, sneaking Bournemouth Runner by The Fall into a multiple choice question, this time the stakes have been raised.

The competition is to win a day out at the Malvern Spring Show, one of the first gardening shows of the year. The question to win the prize is as follows:

I have no idea what this has to do with gardening. My suspicion is that these questions are sneaked in when the regular question setter is on holiday. The first was over Christmas, and this one appeared over Easter. Whatever the reason, I am mightily impressed, and am now looking forward to the summer holidays with great anticipation.

Costa Event Horizon

In The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books is the theory of the Shoe Event Horizon. According to this theory, when depressed, people look at their shoes and think that, in order to cheer themselves up, they should buy some more shoes. This creates a demand for shoe shops, but unfortunately the production of good quality shoes cannot keep up with this demand and so cheap, shoddy shoes are produced instead. People buy the cheap, shoddy shoes, but they are uncomfortable and fall apart, and they have to replace them. This leads to even more demand for shoes, more shoe shops, more cheap shoes, etc. Eventually the economy is only capable of producing shoes and shoe shops, and collapses as a result.

I was reminded of this by a trip to Donington Park Services,  just off the M1. It is a medium-sized service station, and yet within are four Costa outlets*:

• A normal-looking Costa cafe with tables and chairs;
• Next door to this, an Eat and Drink Company outlet, which appears to be different but, on closer examination, sells only Costa branded drinks;
• A smaller Costa market-style stall, where you can queue up and get a take away coffee; and
• A Costa Express machine within WH Smith.

As far as I could tell, there was no alternative for buying hot drinks. Indeed, at the Burger King they had signs up saying that they were unable to sell hot drinks, and you had to go to Costa. I can appreciate that Costa might have some sort of arrangement with the services whereby they are the only company allowed to sell hot drinks, but why would you then need four different outlets? It is creating an illusion of choice, a sort of communist capitalism.

I am not quite sure how a Costa Event Horizon would work. Service stations and high streets would be filled only with Costa coffee shops. In the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, people evolve into birds to escape the ill-fitting shoes of the Shoe Event Horizon. I suppose that, to escape the Costa Event Horizon you would go home and have a nice cup of tea instead - “At the centre of an uncertain and possibly illusionary universe there would always be tea.”

Incidentally, as you drive away from Donington Park Services, you may realise that you need fuel, and decide to call in at the petrol station. You will be delighted to know that this also contains a Costa.

* In no way do I wish to imply that Costa supplies cheap, shoddy, or even ill-fitting coffee. I have had a coffee there on two recent visits, and, although I did feel slightly ill afterwards, I am sure that this was either a coincidence, or entirely my fault.